this is so stupid

i am not losing any weight. or if i am, i can't tell.
all I'm doing is dieting like crazy and honestly don't know why this isnt working. i haven't been checking the scales either, because they were only making me more depressed.
honestly i think it's because I'm not focused enough. I'm so INCREDIBLY distracted. By my ex. I just want to see him more than anything.... the only problem is that seeing him requires a five-hour drive andddd several days off work. Oh yeah, and a dodgy excuse for my parents (it's easier for me to keep them in the dark than to tell them that I'm going to drive 400 miles to see him, and stay the night...for several nights).
God, I'm so happy I have you to vent to!
Oh and here's a kernel of wisdom for my lovelies: Online classes are very silly. And by silly I mean dumb. You have to have LOADS of motivation to do online homework... and devote critical time to recorded lectures.
I am happy to say though, that the online course will save me a lot of hassle next semester. Therefore, worth it!
Oh, and I may have finally found a second job...

No progress has been made with Brad... Haha wow... that makes me feel like a loser.

I want to run. I want to run and never have to stop. To never feel a burning ache in my lungs. Never stop hearing blood pumping behind my ears. I want to be free.
Can I be free? Of the ground, of gravity? Or even of food?
To many people are watching me. They watch so closely.
"What did you eat for lunch?"
"There are leftovers in the oven for you!"
"Good morning! What would you like me to make you for breakfast?"
"Why are you on a diet"
"You have to eat something. You can't go to work until you eat"

This is so stupid.

Either they know, or they suspect. Or they are jealous.

I feel like envy is usually the most common explanation for my arguments with others. That sounds incredibly vain. Shit. What I mean is that people really do become jealous of you. When you lose a little weight, and get that little skip in your step, your dumpy friends are bound to notice. Whenever she tries to lose weight, she gains it back (in double) a week later. She is jealous of your self control, of your ability to rise above the pressure of food.

I feel like this is making more sense now. Sounding a little less vain.

Christ, I've left you all with a novel, stream-of-conscious.

Apologies!

Z