hello lovlies

The gym that I go to doubles as the community pool.

I am running. I am running in front of a wall of windows. The windows are a barrier between me and the pool. I see brown lifeguards toss their blonde hair, adjust their sunglasses. Their are bodies everywhere, on display. Thin, coveted bodies gracefully diving into blue water. Huge bodies, nightmares, waddle to their sunning chairs.

Real thinspo and reverse thinspo

Its all real. Its reality.

Yesterday, Brad asked me, "What are you running from?" And I didn't know what to say.

My life is greatly lacking in organization right now. I find myself continually frustrated at everyone and everything. I feel like I've been engrossed in a novel, frantically reading, and all of a sudden the novel is completely blank. Empty page after empty page. Where do I go from here? There is no familiar pattern, no consistancy. I turn the page. Blank. Blank again. Then, a page with half a sentance. Blank. Blank. One reading, "Just give up, already!" But I can't. Blank. Blank. Blank.

this is so stupid

i am not losing any weight. or if i am, i can't tell.
all I'm doing is dieting like crazy and honestly don't know why this isnt working. i haven't been checking the scales either, because they were only making me more depressed.
honestly i think it's because I'm not focused enough. I'm so INCREDIBLY distracted. By my ex. I just want to see him more than anything.... the only problem is that seeing him requires a five-hour drive andddd several days off work. Oh yeah, and a dodgy excuse for my parents (it's easier for me to keep them in the dark than to tell them that I'm going to drive 400 miles to see him, and stay the night...for several nights).
God, I'm so happy I have you to vent to!
Oh and here's a kernel of wisdom for my lovelies: Online classes are very silly. And by silly I mean dumb. You have to have LOADS of motivation to do online homework... and devote critical time to recorded lectures.
I am happy to say though, that the online course will save me a lot of hassle next semester. Therefore, worth it!
Oh, and I may have finally found a second job...

No progress has been made with Brad... Haha wow... that makes me feel like a loser.

I want to run. I want to run and never have to stop. To never feel a burning ache in my lungs. Never stop hearing blood pumping behind my ears. I want to be free.
Can I be free? Of the ground, of gravity? Or even of food?
To many people are watching me. They watch so closely.
"What did you eat for lunch?"
"There are leftovers in the oven for you!"
"Good morning! What would you like me to make you for breakfast?"
"Why are you on a diet"
"You have to eat something. You can't go to work until you eat"

This is so stupid.

Either they know, or they suspect. Or they are jealous.

I feel like envy is usually the most common explanation for my arguments with others. That sounds incredibly vain. Shit. What I mean is that people really do become jealous of you. When you lose a little weight, and get that little skip in your step, your dumpy friends are bound to notice. Whenever she tries to lose weight, she gains it back (in double) a week later. She is jealous of your self control, of your ability to rise above the pressure of food.

I feel like this is making more sense now. Sounding a little less vain.

Christ, I've left you all with a novel, stream-of-conscious.

Apologies!

Z

word vomit

god.. you know what's incredible?
Ephedra.
AND aderall.

laxatives are pretty amazing too.

Today was one of the skinniest days i've had in a while. it just makes me feel incredible to be able to feel my shirt brush against my ribcage and to feel my hip bones when I stand with my hands on my hips. It makes me feel just plain sexy.

... speaking of sexy. There's an incredibly sexy man whom I work with. We'll call him "Brad" (not his real name). Brad is cynical. He has tattoos. He is not my type. Brad spends the hour before the night shift reading Tolstoy. He is says exactly what is on his mind, even if it's completely tactless. And he has a ridiculous handlebar mustache.

Can somebody tell me what the f*ck is wrong with this picture...? WHY do I have even one remote thought regarding him?

I'll let you all know if anything exciting happens with Brad, but for now I'm going to keep these thoughts to myself (umm.. except for the fact that I'm anonymously spilling my guts to the entire world via blog at this very moment).

Cheerio!

WHY is college so ridiculously expensive???

All I do is work... Everyone seems to think that I am a complete lunatic, because I work ALL the time and still complain that I don't have any money. I'm sure that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. What it all boils down to... college is expensive.

Currently I am in debt several thousand dollars because of loans, but at least I don't have to pay those off until I get a degree. Next year housing is $7K... not to mention all the random expenses. To top it all off I need to get a new laptop for school (preferably a Mac) because all of the design things I'll need to be doing. So there goes another $2K (for one of the cheapest ones, nonetheless).

Ahhh, the classic American struggle... hard work and building debt.

Today's going well. I started off with 3 egg whites (210 calories) and a half a glass of skim milk (50 calories). I'm headed off to the gym in a bit as well to fit in a few miles before work.

Namaste,

Z

Straying from the scales,,,

I know, it seems antithetical for someone who is trying to lose weight to not be aware of what weight they are at, but I feel like standing on that stupid thing is making everything about this experience worse. If you weigh yourself as often as I do (make that "did") then you will know why. I literally will weigh myself every time I walk past the scale. It sits in a corner of the hallway outside of the bathroom. Every time I step up there is a different number staring me in the face, always somewhere between the 150-170 range. Sure, some days are more consistent than others, but I mostly feel extremely disappointed to see the numbers creep up. Even by one pound.
It makes more sense to just set a goal weight (140 lbs) to be reached by a certain date (August 1). I feel like it will be more appropriate to weigh myself after I can feel the effects of the weight loss, that way even if the numbers aren't quite right I won't have a melt down. Sidenote: I will probably still have a small meltdown.
I feel as if I should probably be posting some sort of pictures of my body so that you will all get a grasp at what my struggle is. I will work on doing that someday soon. I will start off my saying, though, that I have a fairly athletic body. My desire to purge all of my fat most people would see as an unhealthy obsession. I am fairly thin in the upper body, but thankfully have a very full chest. My waist is very trim. The lower body is my "problem area". THUNDER THIGHS. For all intents and purposes my measurements are 38-26-40, and at 5'9." I wear a size 6 to 8 in dresses and pants.
So personally I think that the problem is not a lack of muscle, it's all about how the hell I'm going to burn off this fat. God, I wish I could afford liposuction... Tomorrow I start a new diet. I would go with a fast, but that would only drain all my remaining energy (and I need that in order to function at work). Basically, I am only going to eat proteins. Egg whites, fish, chicken, soy. Yep, that's it. Protiens will fuel me enough to continue to do a couple hours of cardio every morning and hopefully get me through work at night.
My mom is catching on. She is basically trying to force feed me. I just keep telling her that I have an upset stomach and can't hold food.
I will let you know how the diet goes...

155

ONE FIFTY FIVE!

The first mile is always the hardest. About halfway in, you get a burning in your chest. Your body wants you to stop, but your mind is the boss. It's all about DETERMINATION. You have to be strong-willed enough to tell your body to keep trying and, almost as if by magic, your body will listen.

Today was the first mile that I have made myself run since before spring break. I blame it on a lack of time, but I know deep down inside that I was just weak and afraid. I may have been overloaded on work and classes, but I could have made the time to keep up with my running.

Running.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Breathe.

It feels like flying. And it is my favorite addiction. The first mile is awful, but the second is easier. The third is exhilarating. The fourth is heavenly. The fifth is beyond words... and it only gets better. It is so rewarding and it makes me feel powerful and strong. Today I only had enough energy to run 3 miles. But I consider that is fairly good for having taken such a sabbatical from exercise, and a sabbatical from food.

Tomorrow will be better.

Namaste.

i can't stop binging

Really, i can't stop. All i've been doing all week is binging, binging, BINGING. No matter what i tell myself i still give in to whatever cravings i have. Four Hershey's chocolate bars. A giant banana split. Cheeze filled pretzels. Pizza. Leftover, cold pizza... that doesnt even taste good. ANND Taco Bell.

Now, either i'm going to go on binging until i can't bear to look at myself in the mirror anymore, OR, something's gotta give.

I can feel the fat on my thighs. I can see the fat on my stomach. Even worse, I can grab the "love handles" on my sides. What happened to my beautiful bones? They are buried underneath piles of fat, and i want so badly for them to be seen again.

Some people out there may not understand this, and even though I'm fairly sure that no one reads this blog, i know that there are those of us out there that strive to be better than the rest. We do not settle for the bare minimum, and we will reach our goals.